The Grief in “Not Yet”

What do you do when sadness grips your chest in such a way that the next breath feels like the enemy? 

What do you do when the cries of “why?” remain unanswered, uncertain? 

When the question of “How much longer?” turns into a repetitive tearful plea.

The crushing sensation of defeat paired with the dreadful thought that perhaps this is the path I am destined to trod. 

Will I never be a mother? Will I never understand the joy of carrying a baby within my womb? 

The idea of infertility had never even entertained my mind until we were a few months into marriage. 

It’s a weight, it’s a heaviness. It is what floods my eyes. It is a darkness that tries to put its cloak on me.

Others have been trying longer than we have and I know that these things take time, but when the doctor tells me medication is essential but then closes her ears to questions and suggestions I might have, it hurts. 

When that positive test showed up on a Sunday, but negatives were soon to follow, it hurts. 

When I beg God day after day for a miracle but then hear of yet another friend who is with child and “wasn’t even trying,” I look up to the Heavens and plead to my Savior for understanding and mercy. 

Is He trying to teach me a lesson? Yes Lord, I will wait for you. Your name and renown are the desire of my heart. 

But Lord- you’ve also placed in me such a deep-rooted desire to experience motherhood in all of its fullness. 

You say to be fruitful and multiply and that’s what we are trying to do so why can’t we? 

My heart is weary and I wasn’t prepared for the emotional turmoil I’m experiencing day after day. 

I know your plans are good and higher than mine, but grief engulfs me as I try to hold my head up and walk the path you’ve set me on. 

Despite my downcast soul, I am tethered to Christ. 

Despite my “Why?” and “How long?” the depths of my being knows that God is greater. 

When darkness encroaches on me and I can’t see past the tears welling in my eyes, I will sit in the arms of a loving Father and let Him wipe away my tears. 

Yes, that’s what I’ll do when sadness grips my chest in such a way that my next breath feels like the enemy.  

The Fertility Hope Chest that my husband custom built for me

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