1 Peter 5:8– “Be alert, be on watch! Your enemy, the Devil, roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
No doubt about it. I’m under spiritual attack right now in about every way. From the little things to the big things, it feels like everything is going wrong. It started on Saturday with a panic attack and came totally out of the blew and crippled me for several hours. Then it moved into Sunday with old cravings to act out in my addictions. It felt unbearable. Yesterday I was so distraught and I started going into a shame spiral. I started questioning my worth, doubting every truth God says about me, and I just wanted to run. The old tendency to self-sabotage all the good in my life seemed far too appealing. When I start feeling like this, I want to ruin all the good in my life because I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I was very close to picking up the phone and burning bridges with someone I deeply care about–but I was able to stop and breathe. I wrote instead. Writing is sometimes the only thing that can keep me sane.
“GOD!!! Why do I have to be an addict!! Why do I have to struggle like this!?”
God gently reminded me that it is my addiction that brought me into such beautiful communion with Him. It is my commitment to my recovery and to Jesus that kept me on track last night. And today. I know I’ve worked far too hard to throw almost twenty months of sobriety in the trash. Oh, but Satan is sneaky. He attacks us at our weak points. He tries to wear us down. And he’s been succeeding this week. My fuse is short. I’m a ball of anxiety and stress to a degree I rarely experience. My patience feels non-existent. Fighting addiction is hard-no matter how much time I have under my belt. Cravings are discouraging and humbling-because they remind me that this is a disease that has to constantly be fought.
There are so many wonderful things the Lord is doing in my life right now-and I know Satan is threatened-so he is taking his shots. I had a long, tearful conversation with the Lord last night, as I sat helplessly on my bed, begging for Him to hold my aching heart.
So right now I’ve called on different people in my life to cover me in prayer. I texted one of these precious ladies letting her know what I was experiencing and that I needed some intercession. Her response?
“Specific requests? Or just a bigger than a hedge of protection thing? Like fiery chariots surrounding you even if you can’t see them thing?”
I’m so incredibly thankful for people who get me. People who can word things in just the right way to make me smile even in the most difficult and trying moments.
Her text reminded me of Zechariah 2:5 where God says, “And I myself will be a protective wall of fire around her, and I will be the glory in her midst.”
So I’m trying to find the glory in all this. And here’s what I’ve come up with:
-I’ve stood my ground and haven’t engaged in any self-destructive behaviors despite my mind and body screaming at me to engage.
-I’ve been so vividly aware of my desperate need for God this week.
-God is demonstrating His power by being my strength in all of this, even though I feel so incredibly weak. (That’s how it is though, right? God is our strength. He uses our weakness to glorify Himself.)
Tonight I struggle with believing that I am deserving of love.
Tonight I struggle with believing that I am worthy.
Tonight I struggle with believing that “I am more than a conqueror in Christ.”
Spiritual attack is real, y’all. And it isn’t fun. Satan is trying to attack the core of who I believe I am. However, if these attacks can lead me closer to the heart of Christ…if these kinds of weeks can remind me of the beauty of God’s grace and the life He has delivered me from…then I will take it. All of it. Because witnessing God show up and fight my battles is a pretty cool experience.
Tonight as I was having my devotions, the Lord challenged me on something. I keep saying that cravings are just something I’m going to struggle with the rest of my life. But then the Lord nudged me and asked, “So, Amy, are you saying that your addiction is more powerful than I am?” And I just hadn’t realized that I was doing that. I don’t still have to be a slave to the crumbs of my addiction. The idea of never struggling with this again is a foreign concept to me-but I don’t believe it’s impossible anymore.
However- if I do struggle with pop-up cravings the rest of my life, I know that every time I do struggle-despite it’s discomfort, pain, and the shame I sometimes allow to creep into my heart- my eyes are pointed back to the empty tomb, and I’m reminded of the victory and the grace that has been so generously bestowed on me in Jesus’ name.
Tonight I’m under spiritual attack- and Satan feels pretty unrelenting. I haven’t been able to really sleep for days. But I serve a God bigger than all of this. So tonight I’ll cling to that. And tomorrow I’ll wake up and hand it over to God again. One day at a time, five minutes at a time.