In my mission to be as real as possible, this is me, right now. Sitting alone in my car at 10:45 at night. I have been driving around aimlessly for an hour.
Sometimes I get really sad, like tonight. Sometimes it springs on me out of nowhere and I have no idea why I’m suddenly in tears curled up in a ball.
Sometimes I get really frustrated at why I’m sad. And then there are just times when I feel everything all at once and my heart aches. Being an emotional person has its perks. I’m extremely empathetic and I feel what other people are going through. It helps me understand people and be a better friend. It helps me write better. It helps with being a social worker. I cry every time I watch an episode of America’s Got Talent because I feel the nerves of the person auditioning. I feel their fear. I feel their joy. I feel their sense of awe and excitement when they get that golden buzzer or standing ovation. I cry when I watch Say Yes To The Dress and the bride finds her dream gown. I was watching a new show on Netflix the other day in which the character was giving a presentation at work and he was feeling super embarrassed and awkward. I felt his portrayal of these emotions and had to turn off the show because I couldn’t handle how uncomfortable I felt for that character.
I am emotional and sensitive, and I love that about myself. But on nights like tonight, I don’t enjoy it. A dark car, wrapped in my leopard robe and buried under my matching leopard blanket with worship music playing in the background is as close to comfort as I can get tonight.
And I accept that and know it’s okay.
When I get back home tonight I’ll be able to crawl into bed with my puppy. I’ll probably write in my prayer journal, and I’ll probably cry.
Because like I said, it’s one of those nights. These nights have become a lot less frequent the longer I’m sober, but they still exist.
As I was driving around tonight so many memories and thoughts were flooding my mind. Memories of the pain I’ve put myself through in the past. Memories of people who once played such a toxic role in my life. It was like a movie reel playing out in my mind.
These memories were met with immense sadness that I didn’t value myself back then. Gratitude was quick to follow though. Gratitude that life didn’t end up the way I so desperately thought I wanted my life to go a few years ago. Thank you Jesus.
There are some specific things I’m struggling with as of recently that have been challenging me but also breaking my heart. The closer I get to Jesus, the more He convicts me. I love watching the transformation He is doing in me- but transformation isn’t pain free. Breaking up with old ways is hard. And sad.
I don’t know. Tonight all I can do is rest in the arms of Jesus and just let Him hold me.
I know these nights well enough to know that tomorrow will probably be a great day. But if it isn’t, that’s okay too. So for anyone who can relate to this kind of night, be assured that the nights you sit alone in your car, or in your room, or wherever your spot is-I can guarantee you there are people other places doing the exact same thing. You aren’t alone. And it’s okay. Don’t ever apologize for your sensitivity. I know I won’t.