So this is actually a conversation I had with God today. This is my favorite way He communicates with me. I’ve been struggling a lot, and there is so much shame that could be associated with this post. But as I look back at the responses the Lord gave me, I realized that most of His responses are directly pulled from Scripture. LIKE WOAH GOD, OKAY SO COOL. **Psalm and Isaiah, along with other books I didn’t look up.** My words are italicized, and God’s words are in bold- because I mean, His are more important. So here is a raw discussion I had with the Lord.
Okay God. Getting physical with men feels like something I have to do, as if that is my purpose or something. The regret and disgust I always feel afterward turns into self hate. But this is a cycle and I can’t seem to find the end to it. I don’t know how to truly love and respect myself. And when a man actually respects me, it’s terrifying. The thought of a man liking me for my mind and not my body? It’s only a matter of time before they learn how twisted I am. And no guy worth truly being with, is going to stick around when they see my slime and my grime. Running to my addiction feels like the only thing I am worthy doing because why would someone like me deserve recovery? I have big dreams and visions, but I feel too pathetic and disgusting to ever be worthy of setting those dreams into action. The first time around, when I decided to go to rehab- I was proud of myself. But after so many relapses, “I don’t give a crap” thoughts, and immoral behavior, I am having a hard time seeing why I would be a person worth investing in. I don’t want to let people down again, so I feel like it is easier to walk this road alone. I hate this road. I want to believe I am worth loving. I want to be able to love myself and respect myself. I know God says He loves me, and I’m not gutsy enough to call Him a liar–but He shouldn’t love me.
Beloved, I created your innermost being. I knit you together in your mother’s womb. I know your future, and I know the choices you will make before you even awake each day. And I still chose to die for you. I was pierced for your transgressions. I was crushed for your sin. The punishment you’re trying to cast upon yourself, I carried in your place. It is finished. Your mistakes will no longer determine whether you are worthy of my love and grace. Let my wounds be a constant reminder that the deed is done. Please, accept that my pain and suffering was enough to drown out your self depreciating hate. Beloved, I delight in you. My heart aches when I hear these thoughts you’re having. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. Seek, and you will find me. You will find pure, honest love.
My mind is too twisted. My heart is too dark.
My love and light drives out the darkness!! You won’t be able to see the light if you are adamant on only seeing the dark though. You create darkness around you every time something gets good, because you don’t truly believe you deserve goodness. YOU are my bride. I am your maker and your husband. Don’t you get it? I want you. I choose you!!
I am dirty! Alcohol, drugs, and men have saturated my life. It’s all I can see. Whenever hope is on the horizon, my mind shifts and I run away.
We need to settle this. Your sins are terrible, like a dark scarlet- but I am going to make them white as snow. Though they are a deep crimson, I will make them white as wool. But hear me, my beloved! If you turn away and refuse to listen to this truth I am laying before you, you will be devoured by the sword of your enemies. Addiction and self hate will consume you completely if you do not choose to have faith that my death was enough. My child, I have loved you with an everlasting love. Give this to me, and I promise I will carry your burdens. You weren’t created to walk this road alone.
Every time I think I am surrendering to you, I find myself back right where I was. I am so tired of the back and forth.
Surrendering means also releasing your tight grip on how you think things should be. It means accepting that you are loved and that hope is abundant! I draw my people back to the cross so they remember that my love has won. I look at you and I can’t keep from overflowing with desire for you. I see the woman I created to be a fireball for my kingdom. And oh, my precious one, you will radiate my love and goodness. My faithfulness will carry you.
What if I mess up again though? What if I slip back into the evil you despise so much?? It’s easier to stay down than to get back up and foolishly fall once more.
Pride comes before destruction. If you fall again, I will help you stand up and we’ll keep going. But listen- I set prisoners free and give them joy. I am not expecting you to be perfect. Have you already forgotten what I said about knowing your innermost being? I know you. You are human. But as you walk completely surrendered to me, you will learn to see yourself how I see you…a valuable treasure. Come on, I am antsy to dive deeper with you!
Addiction is screaming at me right now! I hear it telling me that I’ll be back soon. But alright Abba. I am going to start laying my self hate and negative thoughts at the foot of your cross. Teach me how to be kind to myself. Teach me how to view myself as someone worthy of real love.
You will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth. For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then, my faithful love for you will remain. You are more than a conquerer through me. Come here now, with ears wide open, and you will find life. Through me- and me alone, I will give you victory.